It’s been a little while since my last blog post because I’ve been away in Berlin! For those of you who haven’t been I highly recommend it. You can wander for hours looking at all of the street art, there are lovely parks and rivers to walk alongside aaaaaand the food is incredible. Thanks so much to everyone who gave me recommendations for things to see, do and eat! It was incredible to take myself away from my usual life for a week of pure exploring and I’ve come back feeling refreshed both mentally and physically. Some moments were hard, there was a set of scales in the bathroom of the apartment we were staying in and I battled daily with the urge to step on them. I posted about this on my Instagram account and I hope you might find what I’ve said helpful if you are feeling controlled by the number on the scales which only shows your direct relation to gravity in any given moment and tells you absolutely nothing about your health, worth or really anything that you need to know at all. This aside, although I didn’t step on the scales whilst I was on holiday..

My body is changing.

I have no hard numbers to prove this fact. I have no tried and tested proof that this is the case but I can feel it in myself. I haven’t been running as hardcore lately, since I broke up with my running app. I haven’t been limiting my eating habits in any way, since I’ve committed to intuitive eating. I haven’t been over thinking things. And although this realisation can be daunting, in hindsight.. I have been so much happier. So with this realisation that I’m carrying some extra weight I have two options:

1) I try and do something about it e.g. –

  • I find scales to find out how much weight I have put on
  • I find a new diet to try with guaranteed quick results
  • I reject all invites to social occasions including food so that I have  complete control over what I’m eating
  • I step up my exercise so that it’s done as a reaction to what I’ve eaten instead of something completely separate to food
  • I allow my mental health to deteriorate for the sake of losing weight until I’ve reached my goal
  • I’ll kid myself that I’m doing this for my health
  • I’ll start talking about diets all the time around my friends and make sure that I take photos of everything I eat and calculate how many calories, macros, syncs (delete as appropriate) everything is before I eat. Then once I’ve eaten I’ll  talk about how good/bad I’ve been and basically be the life and soul of the party
  • I’ll starve myself mentally and physically until I have to come up for air and binge eat
  • I’ll berate myself for not trying hard enough and start again from step one

2) I don’t try and do something about it e.g. –

  • I don’t step on the scales because I know that these will always result in connecting a positive or negative emotion to the number I see
  • I continue to tune into my hunger and fullness queues and accept that sometimes I will eat for pure pleasure and not for a physical need
  • I accept invites to social occasions that involve food and allow myself to soak up the atmosphere and those around me and make the food not the focus of my attention
  • I move my body from a place of celebration and only when I really truly want to without connecting these actions with food
  • I turn my focus to my mental wellbeing and think about if I’m getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, having enough down time
  • I will continue to research the benefits of not being on a diet and use this knowledge to empower others. When I’m with friends I’ll compliment them on things other than their appearance. I won’t use negative language about my own body or the bodies of others. I’ll eat what I want to, when I want to without taking photos of my food or linking emotions to my food choices
  • I will respond to my hunger always
  • I’ll be kind to myself and remind myself regularly that bodies are incredible and adapt constantly to our needs. They are not something that is set in stone. They are fluid and ever changing. I will acknowledge that my heavier body comes as the result of a healthier mind

I’ll be honest with you. Recently, I’ve been considering option one. No matter how secure you can feel in your body and your recovery sometimes these feelings can creep back in. I find that when I am feeling particularly anxious about things not related to food I can be tempted to try and control my eating as a way to realign my thoughts and feel calm but this is always shortlived.

I will not let my eating disorder take over, I will not let diet culture try to sway me. I am whole heartedly choosing option 2.

We have to fully accept and love our bodies no matter how they change. The question I get asked the most is I have stopped dieting and I’m eating what I want to but I’m putting on weight, when will this stop and when will I go down to my set point? This is still coming from a disordered head space. I know it’s hard but your set point might be higher than you are willing to accept. I know it’s hard but your body might desperately need to be bigger than you are willing to accept. This is where the shift has to happen. Unwavering acceptance and love for your body no matter how it looks. That is how we can completely revolutionise our relationship with ourselves. That is how we will move forward and that is how we will win.

Top image is by @eva.exe !

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